Friday September 23, 2011

I am hurting so, I can't believe how much. I cry all the time. I miss him so much, and cannot fathom the fact that I will not see him or hear his voice again. I taped his outgoing message from his cell phone before it was cut off. It was 3 months of him just whispering. I missed his voice the way it was. Today I was organizing photos in my cell phone and found video of him from last fall when he was here visiting for his bi-annual visit. He was cutting the cats nails. Something I could never do, and looked forward to him taking care of yet another chore he always so willing to do to help us out. Gardening, that too was his thing. I always felt guilty when he would come to visit and then want to do things around the house. In the beginning it made me feel like we weren't doing a good job keeping up with things. But I realized later on that it was his way of helping us. He knew how hard it was, he had done it himself, with no help from any parent. He knew the pressures and how important it is to spend time with your children. He did it himself. I have so many memories of him taking us to Half Moon Bay, Fairyland, the zoo or just to Montclair park to feed the ducks and play in Western Town.

I don't remember feeling this devistated when Peter died. Probably because I had to everything for my parents. They were a mess. I cannot imagine the immense pain of loosing a child. It must be the most gut wrenching sense of pain imaginable. Maybe I'm having PTSS from Peter too. My Dad always told me he felt I never grieved over Peter. Maybe he was right.