Wednesday August 29, 2012
One year, 365 days, 52 weeks. It all comes up the same, me missing him. It almost feels worse now than a year ago. Does that mean the shock is over? Reality setting in? Acceptance and closure. It is all so permanent. I used to call him on my way home from work every night. That way we would get at least three good conversations (uninterrupted) every week. I wish I could have been there for him more. He was always there for everyone else. Every where I turn he is there. I look at the weeds in my garden. Every trip here, no matter how awful he felt, he would go out and pull weeds. Not because he enjoyed it, but because he wanted to do something for me that I had little time for. Working, kids, family all too busy to find time for weeding, and he new it.
In his healthier visits he would ask me to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish around the house. Painting, reorganizing, gardening etc. these are the things he wanted to do while he was here, things to make my life easier. He never needed to be entertained. He always had a newspaper. Sports page always first, then the crossword puzzle. I loved doing the puzzle with him. It was fun solving one clue and then passing it back to him for one.
I still have his ashes on the entertainment center, with his bird, bracelet and my favorite photo of him. I know it is selfish, but I like having him here. I know I have to make the arrangements in Troy for the permanent placement of his ashes, but I'm not quite ready. I know it is what he wanted and I will abide, but I just don't like him being so far away. My heart feels like a vacant lot.
I know he wouldn't like it, to know that I am grieving so much, so please don't tell him.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
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